Just last night, while watching a TV show, I saw twin sisters hugging and laughing. It brought tears to my eyes that I never being able to do that again. When I lay down for bed at night I couldn't fall asleep, I couldn't stop myself thinking of my twin sister, I lost her in a car accident, she was the only one to die in this accident. She used to sit beside the window and I sat next to her, but all what can I remember that my sister hit the ground real hard and rolled over. I found out that she was not going to survive and she was the only one who died in this accident. It was hard to play that video in my mind over and over but by the days I was able to deal with those images and thoughts. Like many twins, I had assumed that as we had been born together we would die together. I never knew that I could miss someone so much. Losing her was awful because she was the first person I ever lost. She meant everything to me, she was my world and I never felt alone with her.
You don't know how hard birthdays, occasions, anniversaries and holidays can be. Sometimes I just feel alone in my pain and that no one else knows how I feel even the closest friends, they don't understand my pain and loss because none of them have lost anyone close... I can't talk about this with my parents because it makes them so sad. So far I have tried to stay busy and replace my feelings of grief with happy memories... sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't... some days are easy.. some are really hard. I lost my sister but the pain that I go through everyday is different and sometimes I wonder why I lived and why she had to die, Why can't she still be here? sometimes I wish so much that I could see her one more time I always ask myself why.. why did I have to loose the only person that was my best friend I need her the most now and then remember that Allah will not give us more than we can handle and that it was Allah's plan and not to question it. I always had faith in my life, but never like in the last years. These circumstances have brought me closer to Allah. I realised that I could only do what I was capable of doing to the best of my ability and leave the rest in Allah's hands. Now I can see that I am here for a purpose. Perhaps, Allah wants me to reach out to what is required of me and to see me how short life can be and how little I really control, but it took me a long time to understand this.
Like now, sometimes I feel guilty about a lot of things like that I am still alive while she's not and I am the one who will be with her at the college campus for her first day, that I am the one who will see her fulfill her dreams of becoming a programmer, that I am the one who is going to see her graduate, that I am the one that will help her pick out her wedding dress and plan her wedding, that I am the one who will be at the hospital when she delivers her first baby... I just feel guilty!
