Random writing of my random thoughts

So I thought I’d post as I haven’t talked to many people in quite a while, and when people have asked about what I’ve been doing I haven’t given particularly good answers. Just in case you didn’t know I finished last year and graduated. I’ve worked on a lot of different things, but so far most of my time has been concentrated on mobile application development (iPhone, Android). Outside of that, I have been volunteering for a while now. I have lived quite a sheltered life and it is definitely worthwhile meeting people who have had a much harder lot. It is important to realise that there are massive issues out there that don’t just go away if we ignore them. I would really encourage anyone reading this to come along even just once, as it can really open your eyes. I have spent an extraordinary amount of time on the Internet trying to increase my knowledge. Towards the end of university, I started regretting that I hadn’t gained a broader knowledge than I have. I’ve spent time exploring all sorts of areas from politics, history, psychology, philosophy, law, theology and even random trivia, but there is just so much to learn. There is a story I heard, that a man was out walking in the desert when a voice said to him, “Pick up some pebbles and put them in your pocket, and tomorrow you will be both sorry and glad.” The man obeyed. He stooped down and picked up a handful of pebbles and put them in his pocket. The next morning he reached into his pocket and found diamonds, rubies and emeralds. He was both glad and sorry. Glad that he had taken some and sorry that he hadn’t taken more. This analogy describes education perfectly. Even in engineering and maths, the areas I have been concentrating on studying for 5 years during university, there is just so much I don’t know. In engineering this includes: assembly language, networking, programming, hardware and computer graphics. I recently finished listening to a series of podcasted lectures on ethical hacking and I will expand my knowledge further, while keeping in mind that I need to pick an area to specialise in. In maths, I’ve been spending a lot of time on Math.StackExchange and seen that there is a vast amount of material that I have never seen. I have loved mathematics all my life. I was the kid who did math problems and puzzles for fun, but now I started losing interest in maths and ability is useless without the desire to use it. I know that if I had had access to this tool back in high school then I would literally be insanely good now. It is now so tempting to go back and study maths, but I know that programming will give me a greater opportunity to affect the world. I will therefore restrict the amount of time I spent here, so that I can focus on more important goal. At the moment, I am trying to gain a decent understanding of category theory, partially to help me understand functional programming. This is an area of maths that is abstract even for pure mathematicians. I imagine it like a hill, which I wish to climb just so I can see the surrounding terrain!

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Finally it's here, my last day of college, when I wont be required to get up in the morning and rush to attend classes, I can't believe that it ended so fast. The past few weeks have been some of the most overwhelming times of my life. I got about 2 hours of sleep last night because I had two tests due today. I didn't think I would get it all done, but everything is turned in. Of course, I had bad days but those days are nothing compared to the memorable days. Sometime I spent 90-minutes lecture with the end result that I don't learn anything. Graduating is cause for celebration, but if you really think about how the senior year felt, then you'd realise that it wasn't the best year. It's about saying goodbye to the friends you've had for the last 5 years. Every day when I come back to my home I know that I will be back tomorrow but today I left my college and knowing that I won't be there tomorrow. This brought tears to my eyes. Now I have only one month left in college, I feel little bit delight but so sad to say goodbye to all of my friends. My life in college was so adventurous, so many things happened and I learnt a lot. I loved every day that I got to spend with you my friends

Omnia, I've known you for a good 4 years, we've done a lot of retarded things, you will always be my sister, thank you for always being there and standing by me. It means so much that I'm proud to call you my best friend and more.
Youmna, well, you've always been taller than me by only like half an inch and also known you for 4 years. It wasn't the longest friendship but I enjoy our good times together :P
Asmaa, I will always remember your smile and the way you cheered me up in class. I love you always.
Eman, thank you for big hearted, I will never ever forget your loving and caring nature for everyone who was around you.
Ayat, you taught me so much, and really made me believe that I can do anything. I love you so much.
Shaymaa, since we first met, you've had a special place in my heart. And I hope you have the same for me.
Suzan, I haven't known you for that long, but still, I feel like I have known you my whole life.
Zaynab, I'm sad to say I've only known you for 2 years. I wish it had been more.

I'll miss you all. You have all gave me 5 brilliant years. I'll always look back on our memories, never to be forgotten.

When I Was a Twin

Just last night, while watching a TV show, I saw twin sisters hugging and laughing. It brought tears to my eyes that I never being able to do that again. When I lay down for bed at night I couldn't fall asleep, I couldn't stop myself thinking of my twin sister, I lost her in a car accident, she was the only one to die in this accident. She used to sit beside the window and I sat next to her, but all what can I remember that my sister hit the ground real hard and rolled over. I found out that she was not going to survive and she was the only one who died in this accident. It was hard to play that video in my mind over and over but by the days I was able to deal with those images and thoughts. Like many twins, I had assumed that as we had been born together we would die together. I never knew that I could miss someone so much. Losing her was awful because she was the first person I ever lost. She meant everything to me, she was my world and I never felt alone with her.
You don't know how hard birthdays, occasions, anniversaries and holidays can be. Sometimes I just feel alone in my pain and that no one else knows how I feel even the closest friends, they don't understand my pain and loss because none of them have lost anyone close... I can't talk about this with my parents because it makes them so sad. So far I have tried to stay busy and replace my feelings of grief with happy memories... sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't... some days are easy.. some are really hard. I lost my sister but the pain that I go through everyday is different and sometimes I wonder why I lived and why she had to die, Why can't she still be here? sometimes I wish so much that I could see her one more time I always ask myself why.. why did I have to loose the only person that was my best friend I need her the most now and then remember that Allah will not give us more than we can handle and that it was Allah's plan and not to question it. I always had faith in my life, but never like in the last years. These circumstances have brought me closer to Allah. I realised that I could only do what I was capable of doing to the best of my ability and leave the rest in Allah's hands. Now I can see that I am here for a purpose. Perhaps, Allah wants me to reach out to what is required of me and to see me how short life can be and how little I really control, but it took me a long time to understand this.
Like now, sometimes I feel guilty about a lot of things like that I am still alive while she's not and I am the one who will be with her at the college campus for her first day, that I am the one who will see her fulfill her dreams of becoming a programmer, that I am the one who is going to see her graduate, that I am the one that will help her pick out her wedding dress and plan her wedding, that I am the one who will be at the hospital when she delivers her first baby... I just feel guilty!